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Jonathan Rivett’s parenthood survival guide

Posted by on 16/11/2018

Parenthood: Not for the faint-hearted. Photo: Jack Chadwick
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Parenthood: Not for the faint-hearted. Photo: Jack Chadwick

Parenthood: Not for the faint-hearted. Photo: Jack Chadwick

I became a father six months ago and have since  learned much about surviving in my professional life now that my personal life has become coiled tightly around a podgy wriggle-creature with hyperactive salivary glands. Here are my recommended rules for new and soon-to-be parents.

Pregnancy: Colleagues whose names you don’t know or whom you actively dislike do not have special dispensation to touch your belly or talk matily about the potency of your spermatozoa.

Birth: The word “we” has absolutely no place in describing or announcing the birth. One partner goes through  eight to 30 hours of unrelenting agony before forcing a juvenile member of the species through a very small bodily opening. The other stands bedside, grimacing, patting, squeezing and cooing. There is no “we”.

First weeks: During this period you’ll develop techniques for discreetly checking whether a very still human is alive. You can count this as intensive first aid training and ask for a pay rise when you return to work.

Back to work: Don’t be shy when it comes to demonstrating how tired you are. Shout declarations across your office like “I’m so tired I don’t know and don’t care if I have any clothes on!” and slump theatrically at every opportunity.

The office showcase: There will come a time when your workmates will demand that you parade your baby around the office. Tactic 1: tell them to get stuffed. Tactic 2: buy a small Roman chariot and a pony and really parade your baby around the office.

We must either follow these rules or rethink our collective desire to perpetuate humanity.

Jonathan Rivett DOESN’T KNOW WHETHER HE’S WEARING ANY CLOTHES! He blogs at haught南京夜网.au

This story Administrator ready to work first appeared on Nanjing Night Net.

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